LIFE AFTER DEATH
|
ED: |
Hey, Charlie. Who are you writing a letter to this week? |
CHARLIE: |
My Aunt Sally. In Arkansas. |
BILL: |
I thought your aunt was dead. |
CHARLIE: |
Like she always said: it's the thought that counts! (keeps writing) |
ED: |
Didn't you kill her, Charlie? Isn't that why you're here on death row? |
CHARLIE: |
Shut-up, Ed! Can't you see I'm trying to concentrate? Who are you writing to that's so deathly important? |
ED: |
No one special. Just THE President of the United States! |
CHARLIE: |
Well, pardon ME!! |
ED: |
No, he's going to pardon me! You want him to pardon you, go write your own damn letter! |
CHARLIE: |
Who are you writing to over there, Bill? |
BILL: |
The Pope. The Most Holy Father in Rome. |
ALL: |
Oooooooooooh! |
ED: |
Are you asking him to forgive your sins? |
BILL: |
No, to transfer out of this damn place. Since I'm going to die anyway,
I'd like one last chance to lay down my life for my brother. |
ED: |
Whatever you do, brother, don't lay down your life for me. I certainly don't
want it. It's completely screwed up! |
BILL: |
I'm writing to the Catholic Church to become a missionary
in Cambodia. I'd like to volunteer looking for landmines. Why let innocent little
kids find them by accident? Why not send me out to get blown up since I'm a
dead man anyway? |
ED: |
Yeah, if you're a dead man walking, why not let you walk right
into a mine field? |
CHARLIE: |
No, I think that's a great idea! I always wanted to take a dream
vacation out to Africa to help those poor villagers who had their arms and legs
chopped off in a political massacre. Since I chopped up my victims like mincemeat,
I'd like to be the arms and legs for people who need help to farm their land! I'd
give up my right arm to help other people! (holds up pen in left hand)
|
BILL: |
That's because you're left-handed, Charlie. (CHARLIE stops and switches hands) |
ED: |
Well, since I poisoned my family by putting DRANO in the Thanksgiving
turkey, I'd like to volunteer cleaning up toxic waste at nuclear test sites.
Or radioactive shrapnel in Iraq or Kosovo from all that senseless bombing.
Why let little children die of leukemia? I could get cancer instead and save their lives,
since my life is basically over! That's my way of giving thanks! |
CHARLIE: |
Bill, do you think we could get the Pope to set up an
outreach program like that for us? Huh? Do ya think? |
BILL: |
Sure! (passes around more paper) Anything we ask for in the name
of Jesus is already done by the Father in Heaven. (they all start writing like crazy) |
CHARLIE: |
Well, whatever happens, happens. We're in this together, right guys? |
ED: |
Yeah, until death do us part! (he laughs) |
JESUS: |
Did someone call my name? |
CHARLIE: |
Jesus Christ! It's Jesus Christ! |
BILL: |
Good Lord, it's the Good Lord! Oh, Father in Heaven! |
JESUS: |
Actually, we're in hell right now. |
ED: |
Jesus! What are you still doing here? I know the delays are
long, but weren't you executed already? |
JESUS: |
Everyone knows that after I died, I descended into hell.
Well (looking around) this is it! |
BILL: |
You've come to answer my prayers! Thank you, Jesus!
(salutes the Heavens, CHARLIE/ED tug his shirt, point to JESUS)
I mean, Thank you Jesus! (shakes JESUS' hand) |
JESUS: |
Yes, because of the prayers of one righteous man, all you other
scumbags will be saved, too. To alleviate massive prison overcrowding,
we're running a special on salvation: "A Ton of Scum for the Price
of One" -- ME! This entire unit will be delivered. (men start to cheer)
BUT FIRST (they shut up) Be my disciples, and ye shall know the truth,
and the truth shall make you weep. Miserably! Peace. (JESUS exits) |
WARDEN: |
Did you fellows hear the news? The Supreme Court just abolished the
death penalty. Found it unconstitutional. |
ED/CHARLIE/BILL: |
Again? Why? On what grounds? |
WARDEN: |
The Governor declared that the state had no right to play God
with people's lives. This whole unit is being converted, and your sentences
have been commuted to life. Now you're all going to have to stay in prison until
you die of natural causes! |
CHARLIE: |
What? You mean I'm going to have to put up with HIS smelly socks for the rest
of my life? |
ED: |
What do you mean? You already HAVE to put up with me
for the rest of your life! |
CHARLIE: |
But I was going to be executed tomorrow! Now I'm looking
at another stinking 10 to 20 years! Literally. (he holds his nose) |
BILL: |
What are you complaining about? You're 60. I'm only 30.
That means I have twice as long to serve as you do! |
ED: |
You ought to be punished worse! You're the one
who got us into this mess! |
CHARLIE: |
Man, I'd like to kill you for giving me life! |
BILL: |
You guys have no appreciation at all!
You make me sick to death! |
"Life After Death"
