The following is a re-write of "Beauty School Dropout" (from the musical Grease) sung at a church choir picnic, proving that people will laugh at just about anything I sing about, as long as I'm dressed up like Marilyn Monroe!
Intro: For a guy who failed to serve You've gotta lotta nerve Sending troops to fight for you In Africa! It's been more than a year now, It should be more than clear now, You're not the leader of America! LA! La-la-LA! La-la-LA-la-la-LA-la-la-(YAWN!) (Oops! I'd beg your pardon, But you're not my president!) Political flop-out No re-election day for you! Political cop-out So many promises broke in two! (Woo!) Well at least you volunteered the time To go and get a haircut, While our taxes pay for salaries that Congress wouldn't dare cut! We ought to impeach you For causing the people sleepless nights! Did nobody teach you Article One of the Bill of Rights: Freedom of speech gives each and every one The judicial right to rule! Hang up your whole campaign And go back to law school! Political fav'rite According to 43 percent! You better savor 'it -- You can't tax the rest you don't represent! (No, you can't!) If you want police to keep the peace, Their own violence must be minimal! Who can trust a "criminal-justice" system If it's "just - as - criminal"? We hereby impeach you For stirring up half o' the NAFTA fights! Let Hillary teach you The last of your First Amendment rights: By the right of the people PEACEABLY To assemble, we pray you'll Leave us in peace and preach In private Sunday School! Although we enjoyed it, This foolin' around has gone too far! If we can avoid it, Why should our country be at war? We have got to stop The whole monopoly On public health! Separate church and state And govern just yourself! Dear Hillary Clinton: If you wanna win the people's hearts, Get everyone mintin' Money through poetry and the arts: Let the poets take over the Senate, Let the artists create the wealth -- Together we'll "fund the ruckin" Government ourselves! Political flop-out! Go back to law school! Political cop-out! Go back to law school! Political drop-out! Go back to law schoo-oo-oo-ool!
The following lyrics (sung to the tune of "Missionary Man" by the British rock group "Eurythmics") were written in response to the ridiculous argument that Clinton should not face court proceedings while he is supposedly acting as military chief.
I was born with a true sense of honor, Then I learned that the truth never wins. Before I go confess To the Courts or the Press, I'll have them piled under legal files up to their chins! You mothers warn your girls About the men like me! You lawyers pray for no clients To defend like me! One thing I must make Jones And Flowers understand -- You can fool with the Governor, But don't mess with a Military Man! Don't mess with a Military Man! Don't mess with a Military Man! Don't mess with a Military Man! The Military Man, He's got war on his mind! He's got to fight off the women Sneaking up from behind! He's drafted troops to look Through legal history books, Fishing for whatever line Gets him off the hook! Did we amend the Constitution And remove the Bill of Rights? Or is the right to petition Abridged before our eyes? Should we stop all this suing, Get down upon our knees, And pray to Higher Courts For injunctive relief? Don't mess with a Military Man! Don't mess with a Military Man! Don't fall for his "missionary" stand! Don't mess with a Military Man! I became an original thinker To think up ways to escape from my past. Before I'm forced to confess Any more to the Press, We'll all be stuck in B.S. piled up to our . . . ahem! Don't mess with a Military Man! Don't mess with a Military Man! Don't mess with a Military Man! [repeat ad infinitum or until Clinton's lawyers come up with something even more creative]
The following duet was inspired by "Miss Gradenko" by The Police. It is the writer's opinion that Bill, Hillary, Monica, Paula, and Gennifer should all go into group therapy together to uncover their past-life karma.
TENOR: When this nightmare ends, Miss Lewinsky, Can we still be friends, Miss Lewinsky? After all, we're two human beings! Can't we talk and work through our feelings? (aside) If I'd done the same with what's-her-name, I wouldn't make the same mistake! As President, who will pardon me? Forgive me, Miss Lewinsky! Miss Lewinsky, pardon me! Please forgive me, Miss Lewinsky! Miss Lewinsky, pardon me! (passionately) For even God has forgiven me! (That's the point of Christianity!) I bow to Him, not the grand jury! SOPRANO: It's not just between us, my dear, It's not just between us! It's not just between us and God When Ken Starr is involved! TENOR: When all briefings cease, Miss Lewinsky, Will we be at peace, Miss Lewinsky? Shall we go back to "normal relations"? Send a message of hope to all nations? (aside) If I'd made peace with Paula Jones, I'd learn to deal with my hormones! Not lose control of my presidency! Please forgive me, Miss Lewinsky! Miss Lewinsky, pardon me! (passionately) Cuz even God has forgiven me! I answer to Him, not the grand jury! If God doesn't judge us, then why should we? SOPRANO: It's not just between God and us When Congress is involved! It's not just between us and God When politics are involved . . . [repeat until the issue fades, or the public grows sick of hearing it played]
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